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Experiencing life in any way you can.

Blessing 102 – Writing to release the ache in my chest April 12, 2012

I’ve set myself the challenge of writing 500 words every day, I know I’m meant to be doing Script Frenzy; but unfortunately life’s been so busy I haven’t been able to start, so I decided to stick to my novel instead. I sometimes get this ache in my chest – don’t worry nothing physically; but its like there’s a whole, empty feeling that I couldn’t shift. I thought it was some kind of emotional ache, the loss of not being  able to do all I want to because of my ME. Then I started to write again and it felt better. I’ve realised its not something missing in my life, it’s all the words and stories trapped inside. If I take the time to write, I actually feel better, so much freer and lighter, it’s magical.

The thing is I have to do it every single day. If I miss one, just one, I go back to feeling the ache again. It is the weirdest feeling and one I’m only just realising. At least now I know I can do something about it; but I wonder if anyone else feels like they have to write every single day? If it’s as important a part of their day as  say eating? Maybe I’m just nuts, all I know is that writing not only makes me happy; but it seems to be keeping me sane to. That really does sound nuts!

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Blessing 73 – I am enough. March 13, 2012

I’ve been skirting round this issue for the past week, an inner struggle with where I am, how well I am and how I identify myself. I’ve got lost in the storm inside my head and it hasn’t been a comfortable or pleasant place to be.  Today I had a break through, one that I didn’t see coming at all. I’ve been hearing people say that you have to appreciate what you have and I struggle with that. I know I have so much; but I want more, mainly health and energy which will allow me to do more of what I want. Someone said that I was perfect as I am, right now, in this moment. I couldn’t hear that, all I could see was my flawed and broken body. I wasn’t good enough for me, how could I be for anyone else? None of my achievements seemed to matter because I wasn’t well – that sounds stupid now; but I really did feel like that. Everything I did I overlooked because it would only be good enough when I was healthy.

Today I sat and I tuned in to me, to the part of me that is still and calm, strong and powerful. It started as a small sense which just grew and grew, expanding out and away, breaking through the layers of tiredness and fear. I got a really clear sense of my body, as if I was feeling it, all of it, for the very first time. I heard this inner voice that said simply I am complete. I am enough. It was the most calm and tranquil moment I think I’ve ever had and most importantly it felt true.

I’ve tried affirmations, telling myself that I’m strong or perfect or good enough; but they all felt false and hollow. This felt true and it came from within, deep in my soul, not formed by my brain and I felt it and recognised it. All the struggle, the stress and strain fell away.

I am enough, right here, right now. With my health as it is, with my energy, my achievements, my possessions, my life, none of those things truly matter or affect who I am. Achieving more, doing more, being more, getting better, it won’t change who I am. Right now and always I am enough. Enough for me which means I’m enough for everyone else. The knowledge is freeing and uplifting.

I am enough. So are you.