Exploring the world through the web

Experiencing life in any way you can.

Found a new home! July 16, 2012

For a long time I felt all blogged out, Postaday 2011 used up all my blog ideas and words and I was starting to feel like I was trying to find topics to write about and I didn’t want to pollute the web with unnecessary words, so I went quiet, left my keyboard alone (well sort of) and did some creative writing instead; but now I’m back: but I’ve found a new home over at http://clairewade.com I’d love it if you came over and checked it out!

I feel inspired again after a very long time and I’m eager to get back to blogging, maybe not every single day, Postaday was truly hardcore; but certainly once a week if not more, depending on when inspiration strikes. So if you have enjoyed what you you’ve read here, find more of it here…

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Blessing 78 – Life’s too short March 19, 2012

Life’s too short for procrastination, for fear of failure, for regret and anxiety. There’s too much to do, too many places to go and people to meet. So many amazing possibilities and potential waiting for each and every one of us.

It feels like there are always a hundred more tomorrows, so many that you put off the things that really matter. You put them off, the things you want to do, because you think you shouldn’t or because there are more important obligations, duties that you have to do, responsibilities that you have to live up to. You end up missing out, not finding the satisfaction and contentment which is out there to be found and enjoyed.

Things can change in a moment, lost in an instant. Today my vow is to not only appreciate all the amazing things in my life; but also to stop letting fear from letting me live the life I truly want. I’m the master of my own destiny and I choose to not let anything stand between me and happiness, especially myself – I’m the biggest barrier to most things.

I get scared of losing everything, of risking what I have for what I want; but I’ve picked myself up before and if I had to, I’d do it again. Looking stupid, feeling embarrassed, making mistakes,  none of those are good enough reasons to prevent you from doing what you really want. The fear of them happening is much worse than the reality if it does happen. It’s time to find some courage and stop letting fear control me. “Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: Franklin D. Roosevelt ‘s First Inaugural Address.

 

 

Blessing 77 – Rainy Days March 17, 2012

Today has been the kind of grey, rainy day when you just want to stay inside, snuggle up and read a book, so that’s exactly what I did. I love the sensation of being somewhere warm and safe, while you can hear the rain pattering on the window and the knowledge that there’s nowhere else on Earth you have to be. It’s the only time that it doesn’t matter if you’re house bound, in fact it’s actually a bonus!

I curled up in bed with my copy of The Great Gatsby and let the world stay outside. It was bliss! My opinion on The Great Gatsby has been improving, I still don’t really like the characters; but I am getting caught up in the story which is a good thing.

I also felt quite crafty, bad weather brings out the homebody in me and so I got down to doing some more of my denim quilt – it’s  almost finished! I can’t quite believe it. I’ve just got to edge it with the waistbands and then it’s done! I’m really excited to see it finished.

Now to round-up a great day, I’m off to do some writing. Night, night.

 

Blessing 74 – The way things work out March 14, 2012

Today Mum and I were driving back through the city and I saw the sign that says “Norwich, A Fine City” which is true, it really is. It’s a lovely place to live, with beautiful countryside, close to the sea, near to London; but not too close and with a great mix of history, art, science, architecture, shops, businesses. It’s home to lots of lovely people too. Norwich really has it all and is definitely worth a visit. I

After I saw the sign, I had this sudden thought that my life would be completely different if my parents hadn’t moved here over thirty years ago. They could have gone anywhere, not just in the UK; but the world and my life would have been completely different. I would be a completely different person.

The people I’ve met, the things I’ve done, the opportunities that I have had, all came because of living where I do. Who knows what life would have been like if I had lived somewhere else, it would probably have been completely different; but that’s not to say it would be better or worse.

As if to reinforce this idea we just watched Grey’s Anatomy and it was the episode If/Then which explores this idea of what your life might be like if you made different decisions. We are both huge Grey’s fans and seeing the well-known and much-loved characters acting in completely different ways was brilliant. The best part was you could see how they would have got to that point if things had been just slightly different.

At times I think it would be cool to peep into a parallel universe – Fringe style – and see how things might be. There are even times when I get this strong sense that I’m meant to be somewhere else, not that I’ve forgotten to be somewhere; but like there’s this other life I’m meant to be living and for a short time I can feel it pressing up close to me. It’s an odd sensation.

Fortunately at the moment I feel happily grounded and pleased to be living the life I have.

 

 

Blessing 72 – Being normal for a change March 12, 2012

Sorry if you got this post too soon – WordPress sometimes flips out on me.

Where was I… Oh right – tonight I got to sit in a pub, relax and chat with other people and generally have fun. It is the strangest sensation at times doing something which is so completely normal, because it has been impossible for so many years. At first I was too ill to go and then I never had anybody to go with. Now I’ve discovered NIN (my networking group) and they are a fantastic bunch of lovely people who not only understand what I’m doing with Holidays From Home; but are very quickly becoming good friends. I love the fact that I get to go out and be me, not ME, it’s an escape and it’s wonderful.

It can be so incredibly isolating being at home, you wonder how you’re going to meet like-minded people. Don’t get me wrong, I have brilliant friends; but when you all have ME, it makes seeing each other a bit hit and miss, so there are times when I’ve wanted more people in my life, more connections, just generally more. Tonight I realised that I’m getting what I wanted and I feel really, truly grateful!

 

What would I do to get better from ME? March 10, 2012

Filed under: Disability,Life,ME — Claire @ 11:42 pm
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The events of the past day has brought up an inner debate. When I was first diagnosed with ME I was told that I was lucky, because I was seeing the same pediatrician who saw my brother for his diabetes. The doctor told me that I would get better; but that Simon would always have diabetes. Many times over the years I’ve flashed back to that comment and thought how wrong the man was. I lost everything, my education, my friends, the ability to walk, talk, eat, sleep, go out, have a life. I’d take the diabetes every single time, even after everything that Simon’s been through with his bad hypo this weekend. Even Simon has said he’d rather be diabetic than have ME.

It’s made me think what I would be willing to do to get better. If I could do four injections a day, like Simon, and then be able to get on with an almost normal life I’d take it. Pop twenty pills an hour, every hour – yes I’d do that. Have an operation, sure sign me up.

Simon is meant to test his blood sugar levels daily – I thought it would be so cool to have a test like that for energy levels. A drop of blood and it could tell you how well you’re doing, if you need to rest more or you have enough energy to go out, work for another hour, stay up later. It would make life so much easier without the hit and miss of trying to work out how you’re feeling and what you can and can’t do.

I’ve also been thinking about what I wouldn’t do, I wouldn’t have an operation that had a high chance of dying or being made much worse, because at least I do have a life and I can do some things, with the hope of getting better.

I guess I would be willing to do something if it meant that my life would be shortened; but only by ten years, no more, if it meant I would be guaranteed complete health and I could fill the time I do have with everything I want to do. I’d rather a shorter full and happy life than have years and years of watching everybody else do the things that I want to. I guess I would even be willing to give up the chance to have children. I really want to have children of my own, I always have; but right now I’m not well enough to even consider having kids, it wouldn’t be fair on them, so I wouldn’t really be in a worse place than I am now.

I think one of the hardest parts of this illness is the hope that you might get better. I know that sounds insane and if I had an illness that was just going to get worse then I’d probably find it just as hard, if not harder; but it feels like there’s always this golden carrot being dangled ahead, this hope of recovery. The problem is it doesn’t happen for everyone and there’s no way to know if you’ll be one of the lucky ones. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of it. I think some of the worst pain you get with an illness, any illness, is the hurt of wanting life to be different, aching for the things you can’t have; but I’d rather come to terms with it and accept that this is where I am and will always be. Then I could make the best of it. I do try to do that anyway; but I know that in my head I’m still waiting to magically get better, so that all the big dreams, getting married, having children can all happen.

I know that healthy people don’t always achieve those dreams and that there are ill people who do get them; but for me they have always been tied to being well. I can’t really imagine finding a relationship that would work with my health at the moment, I’ve never thought it would be fair to force this life on someone who had other choices. I have been re-thinking that view recently; but I still can’t believe somebody would willingly accept this. I know that there are lots of amazing people who have, many of my friends are very happily married to amazing men and I’m not just a little jealous of them. I’ve just never met anyone who’s right for me. I hadn’t really been trying to meet anyone if I’m honest, I kind of thought I’d be better by now and it wouldn’t be an issue; but I am, so it’s left me wondering where I stand (or sit) with everything.

I’m torn between embracing my current life completely, accepting that I’m perfect as I am and working hard to aim for the life I want. How is it possible to balance the two? To accept the present and still hope for the future? I really don’t know. I’m not depressed or feeling self-pity, I’m just trying to work out how to be: to be present, to be happy, to be me.

 

Blessing 69 – The magic of a great hairdresser March 9, 2012

Filed under: Blessing Blog 2012,Life — Claire @ 11:59 pm
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I am not, nor have I ever been particularly talented with hair and make up. I blame it on the lack of a big sister or any girlie friends, my friends and I were more likely to be talking about Jane Austen rather than Vogue. That’s not to say I don’t like the whole beauty thing, I’ve even had a few make up lessons, for my twelfth birthday my Mum and Grandma took me to the Body Shop for my first make over and I was treated to my first make up set.

I’ve always been in awe of people who can do incredible hair and make up, I’d love to be able to create some of the dramatic looks I see on TV; but I always play it safe. Understated I like to call it; but in truth I just don’t want to end up looking like a clown!

Fortunately I have the most amazing hairdresser. The things she can do with my hair leaves me speechless. I’m still trying to grow my hair longer – it’s stubbornly staying just below my shoulders at the moment; but it means that my hair cut does not take long. Because of this, my hairdresser has time to put my hair up into some incredible and elaborate styles. I come away feeling like a princess!

I just wish I could do some of them at home; but I’ve decided when I’m a millionaire I’m going to hire her to be my personal hairdresser and she can do my hair for me every day – it sounds like bliss!

Here’s today’s style…