Exploring the world through the web

Experiencing life in any way you can.

If you had to debate a version of yourself that was ten years younger, who would win? April 21, 2011

Filed under: Life,ME,Post a Day 2011 — Claire @ 10:46 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Topic #104: If you had to debate a version of yourself that was ten years younger, who would win? What about a game of chess? Or a 5k run? How are you better, or worse, at various traits than you were then?

If I was competing with myself in any form 10 years ago, I’d win hands down because I was bedbound and unable to do anything, so it hardly seems a fair competition. I’ve changed a lot from th girl I was back then; but I think most of those changes have been over the past two years. When I was really ill it was a bit like being in a cocoon. I was isolated from the outside world; but the learning I had to do was about myself and how to cope with being so ill. Dealing with intense emotions when I was too ill to be able to talk and too weak to cry. Having to bottle everything up and bury it deep inside because I just didn’t have the physical strength to do anything with it. Trying to keep my sanity when I was trapped in a body that won’t get better and feeling as if I was going to be like that forever, even though deep down I knew I would get better. Every day was a battle with myself to hold it all together, taking life a minute at a time, literally. Scary to think back to it now. I’m not sure how I got through it all; but there wasn’t really any other choice.

I learnt a lot about perspective and what really matters and what isn’t. In some ways it’s made me harder and less tolerant; but it’s meant that I don’t get too bogged down in nonsense, the way I know I might have done, if I hadn’t been through it all.

I feel like I stopped growing up when I hit 16 and became bedbound, I suddenly missed out on doing all the normal things girls my age were doing. Now though I’m starting to catch up on some of the rites of passage and I am finally catching up with my peers. I feel I’ve grown up incredibly in the past few years and I feel like I’m coming into my own, as a person, separate from the ME and the stuff that’s happened in the past. It’s a cliché; but it’s definitely a journey I chose to go on and I’m so pleased I did.

Advertisements
 

4 Responses to “If you had to debate a version of yourself that was ten years younger, who would win?”

  1. knotrune Says:

    That’s a tough age to get so sick. I got arthritis at 20 and had to go back to living with my parents and being very dependant just as I was striking out on my own as a grown up at uni. Good for you that you’ve found your way through it!

    • Claire Says:

      That must have been so hrd. I some ways I feel lucky thatI never got that taste of freedom because it would be so much worse to give it up. Its easier to cope with if you don’t know what you are missing. Hope you’re doing ok.

  2. Indigo Jo Says:

    I some ways I feel lucky thatI never got that taste of freedom because it would be so much worse to give it up. Its easier to cope with if you don’t know what you are missing.

    That’s interesting because at a recent event at the NIH (National Institutes for Health) in America, one speaker (a doctor who got ill at 44 and is married with kids) said that she felt worse for those who got ill at a very young age (she specifically mentioned Naomi Whittingham whose story is told in the book Lost Voices, who got ill at 13), because they never had a career or a marriage or kids, in other words, they never had a life.

    When you’re 16 you’re just expecting to get more freedom; was that more difficult as your illness prevented it? Or were you just too ill to think about that?

    • Claire Says:

      In a way that confirms what I was saying, she’s older and therefore knows what we’re missing; but because I never got to experience it I don’t, so I’m spared the pain.

      I’ve never had independence because I was ill from the age of 10, so getting to 16 I couldn’t really see myself being well enough to go away to uni etc as my health was gradually; but constantly declining.

      That’s not to say it’s easy. I know I’m missing out on a huge amount which is really horrible and upsetting if I focus on it; but I try really hard not to. What good does it do me? I can’t make myself get better any faster. I’ve always known I would get better though, so I’m just filling the time until I do, making sure I don’t waste my time and achieve something out of all this mess. It’s what makes me so driven and keeps me sane.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s